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Arguing or fighting in a relationship is
not always a bad thing; sometimes arguing can strengthen a relationship and
save your marriage from divorce court, if it is done right. By this I mean that
both parties have to agree to fight fair and work at resolving the problem that
has cropped up. Here are a few ground rules the next time you and your partner
square up for a fight:
1. There should be no screaming, yelling, name-calling, physical abuse or
emotional abuse. It might feel good temporarily to let loose and scream at
your significant other, but that doesn't lead to any sort of constructive
discussion. Threatening or giving an ultimatum is also a no-no. Your partner
will either feel scared or defensive, or call your bluff, and those reactions
are not conducive to building a great relationship.
2. Remember why you are fighting. You both want to air your feelings about
something. It's not about trying to win the argument; it's about resolving
issues, plugging up any holes and strengthening the relationship until it's rock
solid.
3. Your sentences should start with "I" not "you." Which sentence is
more likely to put your mate on the defensive? "I feel hurt when you say xyz."
or "You always try to hurt me by saying xyz."
4. Speaking of the word "always", it's not a fair fighting word. Neither is
"never." First of all, these words never ring true. "You always talk
meanly to my mother." "You never pick up your dirty underwear." The other
reason not to use them is because when you do, you're most likely bringing up
past events.
5. Fight or argue on a fresh subject only. It should be an issue that's
come up within the last 24 hours. Stay on topic and talk about the matter
at hand, and don't drag up something that happened two years ago. Also, don't
let lots of minor things build up until you blow a fuse. Handle them as they
come up, or forgive and forget.
6. Don't involve others in your fight. If the fight is between the two of
you, don't tell your friends all about it and expect them to take sides.
It's especially important that you don't involve family members, like your
parents or your kids. If the argument is yours alone, then keep it that way.
7. Finish the argument, however painful a struggle it may be. Good
conclusions involve apologizing, asking for forgiveness, forgiving the other,
letting it go, and not rehashing it again and again. The best way to end an
argument is with affirmations of continued love for each other.
All good relationships involve some arguing. After all, you are two different
people with different opinions, desires, and expectations. Follow the rules of
fair fighting and work at strengthening your relationship as you resolve your
differences. |
